People ask me about dating a lot. How’s It going? Have I found the one? For the most part I’ve been going through the motions – going out on dates, meeting new people and having lovely conversations. We leave having said the usual pleasantries and maybe we’ll speak again, but most likely we won’t.
Right now, as of writing, it’s 7:44pm, I have a glass of bourbon next to me, and I’m contemplating my first solid disappointment since this all this began. Part of me is sad, the other part Is happy that this heart is still working, that I could still be excited about all this. “Oh, don’t be so epic”, you’ll say… but I won’t. Because epic is the name of the game, and I know it’s out there. It’s not the most extreme disappointment I’ve ever felt. It’s not the deepest. It almost feels like a slap on the wrist.
I promised to share everything here, the good, the bad, the ugly. Put me in any social situation and I will find comfort in it. It’s part of who I am. But I knew that eventually, when dating, I would hit a wall that pushes back, wakes me up and reminds me of who I am. That over promising wall that’s a part of a building I shouldn’t be visiting.
Why am I sharing this? To put up some sort of epic status? No. I’m writing this for the other survivors out there who are blindly trying to find love when the world has told them they might not. You will feel like you’re wandering aimlessly in the desert, that no one out there will get you, or want to get you because of everything that has happened. You’ll see this beautiful place to rest, it’ll come with the most promising words. So you’ll stop for a moment and think the oasis is real.
And just like that it’ll disappear, and you’ll think that your heartbeat racing just a bit, your walls kind of falling, your soul peaking out was the stupidest thing you’ve ever done. I mean, I sip my bourbon and I want to slap myself. But the thing about the mirage is, it’s only motivated me to know the real thing is out there. Don’t be discouraged old gal, it’s all part of the game. There are people who will say they want to know everything out there, and they simply do not mean it.
So, call me silly. So, call me stupid. So, tell me to put my glasses on. Watch where I’m going next time. But I won’t call it regret. Because nothing makes me happier than knowing I can still be excited about all of this…. and someday I’ll find that oasis.
If you’re in the desert with me, you will too.